I had held myself back, you know? When first we met. I had been hurt and though I was venturing out I hadn’t quite found myself. Indeed I doubted that I ever would. I was such a fleeting thing. I was wherever a smile or wink of an eye held me and I called it home. I was anywhere other than the dark spaces where I had crawled after I had hurt. Every sparkle of the world was just out of my grasp and so entranced me and my thoughts into want that I had shunned it and dreamed of a better world,. alone where I had only myself to blame. Where people could look past me and past my own blame. There must be something wrong with me, I thought. I lived, I breathed with a smile on but living, not.
Then I met you, like a wisp of dream and for just a moment my smile flashed as though you were mine. For that moment, you were and so was I and flash, it was gone. You were out of sight, intrigued. I was in my mind wishing for,. wanting,. That shield. That protected me from pain. Then you came again. A breezed hello, what of the day and we spoke. I don’t know how long we talked but that time was an eternity of exchange. You engaged me in conversation and drew me in with every breath. I didn’t know then that you were hoping, too. That you had thought yourself awkward and strange, like me, in your own way. We didn’t have time to question then. Our insecurities were shushed and watching, hoping just the same. We set up our roadblocks and not even thinking we moved them back. We rode the moment for what it was, first a trickle, then a flood but both of us giving a bit more of who we were with every breath. That’s what I had been missing. That’s what had never felt quite right. Where those who were that had given all that they were to steal my heart. Where their intent had rushed right in and crashed upon me to force an echo, we found our beat. I give a little. You give a little. Back and forth with every action and every breath.
It was our first meeting then and after all this time it’s as though we have never left.
Posted in A Self-guided Tour for 2
Tagged alone, anniversary, being thankful, connection, conscious living, couples, dating, first impressions, hurt, love, marriage, meetings, pain, relationships, themorewegive
This is just a hello, friends. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Indeed, I had almost forgotten that I have posted anything. In my mind though, I’ve written and rewritten countless blogs of the workplace, trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle while working, on helping teenagers who are reintroducing themselves back into the school system from a few years of homeschooling, on the benefits from joining community theater for a go and finding a sense of play between my hubby and I that allowed us to explore emotion and mannerisms. I have a lot of catching up to do with my blog now. I have time for that now. The experiment that I have undertaken was rewarding in it’s own way. I accomplished my goals and when I had done so I stayed on and it took a twist of fate (and ankle) to set me back on my path to pen. I’m sorry, Computer. You know I need you but it’s the stroke of pen to paper that calls me and sets my mind free. It’s you, my fellow bloggers, readers that are the droplets of literary eloquence set on course in a murmuring, bubbling flow that allow me the comforting company to expose my thoughts for us to see. Thank you all. I’ve missed you.
I just wanted to say how much I love my dog, Onyx. For anyone who has ever met him they know him to be a goofball pony with a heart bigger than he is. He loves nothing more than to hold someone’s hand as they look into his eyes and I’m thankful for this. He’s my Zen dog.
He knows when I’m only halfheartedly paying attention and he taps me to remind me to focus on him, now, because this is the moment that we have together. He’s also my running partner and my best friend. He is a rescue who came to us from a home where he was only allowed “out” for half an hour a day from his dog crate in the garage. The family that had him meant well. They rescued him from a kill shelter as he was due to be put down because he and his littermates and his father were deemed “too big” to find homes after they were given up because his mother had been hit by a car. I am grateful to them for saving him and for knowing that they couldn’t offer him the life he deserved. His “out” was the front door, left open wide for him to run and roam for his half hour of freedom and to this day, it’s his cue to bolt so we watch the front door cautiously. Our caution reminds us how much we love him and how grateful we are to share our lives with him.
I just wanted to post this while I was thinking about it, before anything happens to remind me of how lucky I am before he gets into the trash again. (We’re getting the door together tomorrow.)
Tagged chaos, dog, family, friend, garbage, laladeluz, love, mixed breeds, mutts, rescue, rescue dogs, Roscoe, zen
Love to Learn
We find ourselves by accident. We stumble into who we are blindly. We are prodded along by the calendar year from birth to death in suppositions of role and age. We find ourselves as the product of our environments in blame and thanks but often quite unaware of our own morals and self-worth until reflection. How sad this is that we are forced to learn instead of learning to live. How can we find our place in a system that has little place for us? The free thinkers, the laborious learners, the swift and the differently minded are left to wonder at the necessity of testing for something they’ve yet to learn. How can we remember without a memory of having learned? How many of us have tested and passed without the understanding to recognize and manipulate the tool we were given?
It wasn’t until I had to start homeschooling my kids that I really understood what it was that they were trying to teach me the first time and I was an honor roll student when I could attend school. Now my daughter has returned to school and come home again because she didn’t like being lectured on what she could research for herself. It’s my duty to expose her to situations to inquire into fields that she would otherwise avoid. Math and Science have their place, my child. All that I can do is tailor the presentation so you can see how it can serve your objectives. This is what we have the time for now. This is what we can give you. All I can do is present the opportunity, the plan, the first step and the desire to see it through, but you have to ask.
Do you have in you the desire to pursue a dream?
If you do, great. Continue.
If you do not. Stop here. You will help another achieve their dream instead. There’s nothing wrong with this. I could do this. I have done this. I have been perfectly content doing this but I love to learn and what is the purpose of learning without application? Good luck. I hope you find what you seek.
Where do you want to go? If the acquisition of wealth is your goal you’d do best to stop here. I’m not rich unless you count my friends. I can be myself with them and they accept me not for what I can do for them but who I am. Who I am is what I can do for them. I’m a helpful person and I’m versatile but I’ve only become so versatile because of helping my friends. Where do you want to go? What do you want to learn? How you can use it to make you money is a matter of appreciating the value of your inexperience and your desire to create something new, something “you”. Priceless.
Posted in Lost Forwards
Tagged choices, creative kids, daughter, direction, find ourselves, free thinkers, freeschool, homeschool, individuality, learning, me, motivation, our choices, parenting, purpose, reflection, schooling